And I’m a southern Baptist! We just needed a fun post here.
And no, most of these aren’t even close to true, but it’s fun to read about the stereotypes (people actually think this stuff about us!) –
So with particular props to #4, #16 and #49, here goes!
You Might Be A Southern Baptist If:
1) You Consider Sunday lunch part of the service
2) You can successfully name all the major missions offerings but can’t find Habakkuk
3) You complain that the Church of Christ people purposely have church earlier so they can have the seats closest to the buffet
4) You have memorized Robert’s Rules of Order just because of business meetings
5) You feel guilty about throwing the bulletins away
6) You have more fun in business meetings than you do during the service
7) More adults sit on the front row during a children’s choir concert, than do on Sunday morning
9) Your building superintendent can fire your pastor
10) You need a committee to approve the potluck dinner
11) You consider dancing one of the seven deadly sins
12) You feel the urge to say “amen” after every song- even at the Children’s Choir Concert
13) You judge the quality of the sermon by the amount of sweat worked up by the preacher
14) Your definition of fellowship has something to do with food.
15) You believe that you are supposed to take a covered dish to heaven.
16) You have never sung the third verse of any hymn. (HAHA)
17) Your Pastor’s Pulpit has a clock right in front of him.
18) You got saved, or have guided someone to salvation at camp.
19) You don’t want to take a definite stand on Calvinism
20) You met your spouse at camp
21) Your preacher has a “Fried Chicken Belly”
22) You go as a messenger to the state or SBC convention, but dont actually vote and spend your time on leisure activities around the hotel
23) Your Church’s Sanctuary or Choir room smells like old books
24) You just can’t figure out what the KJV is saying
25) Your idea of putting a sermon together (for preachers) is to read a bunch of commentaries and find words to glue them
26) You have been hit by a older lady’s walker or cane because she thought you were getting her seat
27) You go to the Church’s sanctuary during the week and you find pillows, linens, blankets, and coloring books laying on the pews
28) Your last pastor got fired because he moved the pulpit 1/100th of an inch to the left
29) When you were little you were afraid of one of the deacons
30) Your pastor works 68 hours a week, but is only “part-time
31) Your bookshelf collection features all the books you used in college
32) You know that the words “we’ve never done it that way before” are the death toll to any new idea
33) You participated in RA’s, GA’s, AWANA, or Bible Drill while all your unchurched friends were in Boy Scouts or Girl Scouts
34) You know what a Committee of Three or a Committee on Committees is – bonus points if you’ve served on one of these committees
35) You thought Lottie Moon was a Biblical figure
36) You know how to pledge allegiance to the Christian Flag & the Bible
37) You have read Billy Graham’s biography
38) You hear “Just as I Am”, “Create in me a clean heart”, or any of those hymns and instantly stand up because you think it is decision time
39) Your church’s choir has 25 ladies and only 4 men
40) Your church had a Fish Fry / Lord’s Supper / Baptismal service.
41) You have ever asked you Pastor if Dogs go to Heaven?
42) You refer to Fried Chicken as “Baptist Bird”
43) The lady that cooks in the church: here name is either Millie, JoEllen, Gracie, or Marilyn
44) You have ever been given, or given to someone the “Right hand of Christian Fellowship”
45) You were a ventriloquist, clown, or a magician, and that was your ministry
46) Your preacher’s books include: “1001 Illustrations” , “Greatest Collection of Church Jokes”, etc.
47) Your Church’s secretary goes to the Assembly of God church (deny it, but you all know it is true)
48) Anyone who drinks or smokes or chews or dips is the Devil. By God.
49) Everything you know about illnesses & surgeries you learned in Wednesday prayer meeting
50) You think John the Baptist started the SBC
51) You think God’s presence is strongest on the back three pews
52) You think “Amazing Grace” is the national anthem
53) Your definition of fellowship has something to do with food
54) You ever wondered when Lottie Moon and Annie Armstrong would get paid off
55) You honestly believe that the Apostle Paul spoke King James English
56) You think worship music has to be loud
57) You think Jesus actually used Welch’s grape juice and saltine crackers
58) You judge the quality of a service by its length
59) You ever wake up in the middle of the night craving fried chicken and interpret that feeling as a call to preach
60) You believe that you are supposed to take a covered dish to heaven
61) You have ever put an IOU in the offering plate
62) You think someone who says “Amen” while the preacher is preaching might be charismatic
63) You see that it’s 12:05 when the invitation starts and get excited b/c you’re getting out early that day
64) Your church moves the Sunday evening service up two hours so they can watch the Super Bowl on the projecters
65) Your mom text messages you in church because you are talking during the sermon